I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
