when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
FUCK WHALES
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
