Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
