porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
