Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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