Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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