You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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