I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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