my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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