Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
