The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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