I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
