i would punch a child for taco bell
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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