Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
