You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
