Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
