you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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