peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
