I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
