rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
