I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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