Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
