After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
