Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
