the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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