my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
