I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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