So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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