the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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