Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
