come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
