Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
