I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize