i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
