He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
In other news, I just burned my penis
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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