Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
