Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
