Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
