Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
