I cannot find my penis.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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