i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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