Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
