what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
