Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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