If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
