Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
