were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
