She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had to cum in my sink.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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