I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
