he puts the penis in happiness.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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