Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
