Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
