I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it hurts more in the daytime
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
