I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
