he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
