After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just forgot I was standing up.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
