Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
