Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
