at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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