I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
